mom

This is just mom, has been and is now.  This picture is

her and it was good for the heart to see some familiar shades of mom.

She loved being with Cambria and in those moments,

I recognized mom.  She was so engaged, loving,

present, and leading in the play.  She may have forgotten

which is shampoo and conditioner or putting on shorts the right way,

but she knows how to help with a baby.

These orchids speak of such hope.  They had lost

their flowers but the leaves remained.  Then they

came back!  I received these in the hospital from

Kimberly when I had Cambria, so of course they are

very meaningful.  New life!

It was such a bittersweet trip. There was intention to enjoy, to

seize the moments, to find pleasures in the beach, good food,

conversation, walks, being silly, and finding those things

mom wanted to do.

The other reality is the bitter-what she presents is all over the place

and up and down.  Her emotions and how she feels about things

constantly change.  She has high highs and low lows.  You never know

what you are going to get...it is like a playground of the mind.

Sometimes I recognize her and sometimes I don't.

Her basic functioning like getting dressed is now challenged.

She displays less inhibitions which can be good, during a church service

I looked over and she was standing up praising God.  She also gave a

testimony at the 60th wedding anniversary at our house.

She is aware of the Lord's presence and thanks Him regularly. 

She loves worship songs.

One of my favorite stories is one day we went to Barnes and

Noble.  I thought we might sit and maybe get a coffee.

Nope, Gigi wanted to walk and lose some weight.

So there we were, Cambria and I following mom

all around Barnes and Noble getting exercise.

One of the hard things about the trip was that she experienced several

days of feeling dizzy and a little "out of it."  Later when

she returned home, some of those symptoms were dealt with.

She also would fall asleep more regularly during the day.

Mom loves Cambria.  She more than any other in my life

would go on and on about Cambria being the most beautiful

baby in the world and so getting the miracle that she is- mom

got it.  She knows Cambria is our baby that was an answer to prayer!

She said, "Look at her and I think how could anything be more beautiful."

She has kept her

sense of humor and besides her up and down emotions at

times, she is still easy going and willing to

She is not consistent in what she remembers and

you never know from one day to the next.  She did

not remember that she had been feeling sick for an

entire day but she remembered when we went to

moms in prayer for an hour. 

She gets jokes.  Bobo was on a skateboard in Costco, rolling

by..some comment was made by one of us, we laughed, and there

was connection.  There is still connection.  Yet, one moment

she will say, I want to live in Maui.  Later she might say

she would be homesick for Colorado--then her words

cannot be completely trustworthy. 

A little bit before she was leaving to fly home, she

saw a picture with my sisters and I when we were little with

her. She forgot my name in the picture. I told her my

name and she had a hard time connecting my name as a baby

in the picture to the me sitting in front of her.  She said, "I am sorry

and isn't it weird?"  I said, I know its not personal mom.  I realize

 how complex our brains are in these days with mom.

Mom knows how blessed I am with my kiddos and she speaks

to that. 

Its like slowly losing someone.

And they are losing themselves. 

I want to depend on my mom in ways I have in the

past.  In moments, I had glimpses of that but it is

fading as the days go.

One day intending to pour out her paint water, she

completely missed the sink. 

When I reminder her that she had brushes and paints at home,

she was so excited, almost euphoric.  Yet, she has

had brushes and paints before I was born.

She said, "I can't believe God lets me have this final thing to paint

before I die."  I am not sure what she meant.  But I know

she talks about being so sad if God takes her home.

She wants to be with us and see our kids grow.

She asked Andrew is Brookdale a place I

will forever be?  Sometimes, she seems like a

child with such dependence and in a way she is...

In moments it was like having another child.  I realized

on this trip my limitations.  I never wanted mom

in a "home".  I wanted her to live with us and I

wanted her to be surrounded by family love.

But as I have a baby and homeschool my children

I realize someone would lose out.  It is a choice

I need to make.  I would be spread thin.

I know mom is always in my corner, she still is.

There are few people you can just sit with,

she is one of them.  She is my mom.

For someone who doesn't like to miss out.

Mom, the party hasn't started.

The best is yet to come!

We all have to remember that in these days!